You know, I was really excited about writing an article about Dessert Island. I mean, who doesn’t want to visit an island made of dessert? Too bad it’s a desert island. Add that into the fact that I can only take ten movies with me? Bah. Let’s get to it.
Gaspar Noe’s in-your-face soundtrack and brutal on screen rape and murder makes me want to kill myself when I finally make it all the way through. Should I run out of food, or simply find myself at the end of my rope, this film will push me over the edge. Fantastic film, super fucking depressing.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
Should I capture another human, namely Wes, I’d very much like to make a coat out of his lovely skin. It would keep me dry from rain. I could use it as a quaint blanket. Buffalo Bill has the necessary skills to teach me how to skin a human, and that’s why I picked this one. Oh and I want the edition that comes with the lotion.
ARMY OF DARKNESS
Presumably, there will be natives of some sort on the island. Maybe not. But if there are, Bruce Campbell has taught me that if there’s one way to rule an inferior people, it’s with a lot of shouting, modern engineering, and lovin’ on some woman, who may or may not later become a she-bitch. Bruce, show me the way.
No, not the show about the doctor, and the lupus. The one with William Katt. You know, The Greatest American Hero? I’ll be honest, this movie really won’t help me with anything on the island. I just really love the puppets in this flick. They’re murderous and weird looking. I have a soft spot for it since I watched it countless times as a child. Also I served in ‘Nam.
Clearly the indigenous Americans knew a thing or two about survival and trophies. Yep, I’m talking about scalping. Even if William Lustig knew nothing about the scalping I’m talking about, at least I get a good visual diagram of where to start cutting on the forehead.
THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE
When stranded on a deserted island, you have to think about the important things. Food. Water. Family. Well screw water. The family will teach you how to survive. How to get food. And if you forgot, the saw is family.
If I need to know how to fight, I’ll just watch the fight scene between Roddy Piper and Keith David. It’s more than five minutes long. Seriously, if you haven’t seen it by now, you need to. It’s amazing.
If I get injured, Micmac Indian Burial Ground. I’ll find one. I’ll make it happen. I’m not really sure why, but I’ll do it. Jump on in, and come on back. Sometimes, dead isn’t better. Silly Fred Gwynne.
Another food one. Before you think “I’ve made it this far through this disjointed article, what is Matt talking about,” Let me explain. After their bodies are taken over by Kandarian demons. After the book is destroyed and the demons leave. Everyone’s dead bodies turn to colored oatmeal and milk. That’s a delicious meal.
So know that you know how my brain works, or possibly you’re even more confused than ever, you also know how to survive a deserted island. That being said, my actual chances of survival on a deserted island are pretty close to zero.