VERSUS – Part 2 of the Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER

VERSUS – Part 2 of the Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER

With Part 2 of my ongoing series pitting your favorite horror icons against your favorite comic book superstars, I wanted to give a little something back to the kids and the old timers with some cultural favorites that deserve a solid revisiting and re-imagining. It’s not exactly wall to wall gore, but this serves as a great illustration of the power this absurdity holds and how far the obscurity can reach.

Gremlins VS Archie & the Gang

Muscle head Moose Mason finds a Mogwai runt at the local junkyard while searching for a love trinket for his girlfriend. He takes his new pet everywhere, including Riverdale High. There Reggie Mantle spills water on the fur ball in a misguided practical joke and it multiplies a litter of augmented little stooges that all the gang claim as individual pets. This bodes as a good sign since Archie and the Gang is going against Josie and the Pussy Cats in a Battle of the Bands later that evening. Leaving their new friends behind for band practice, these critters soon stumble upon Jughead Jones’ stash of junk food.

 The Litter soon transforms into the scaly lizard like troublemakers we know and love. They start to trash the school and cause all sorts of mischief, and now it’s up to Archie and the Gang to band together with Josie and her friends to save the school before the Gremlins multiply and take over all of Riverdale. Expect Archie to finally choose the love of his life as he must decide which sweetheart to save from the return of Stripe; Betty or Veronica…   

Killer Klowns from Outer Space VS the New Mutants

Xavier’s not sure what to do with his latest crop of mutant students. It seems that with awesome power comes no responsibility except what your hormones and peer pressure command. The New Mutants aren’t much for team work, they’re more about what every teenager wants; to get wasted and get laid. While on a weekend camping getaway, the gang is meant to be learning survival training, but instead they take the opportunity to finally be teenagers.

 That evening is when the Killer Klowns attempt a 2nd invasion. They’ve been monitoring Earth from orbit and realize that they need to feed off of the mutants of the world if they want to succeed this time around. Soon its fledgling superpowers against popcorn guns in a carnival of gore, blood, and neon colored spandex. Can this team of teens put aside their differences to pull together to save the day and prove themselves as X-Men?

Frankenstein’s Monster VS Doctor Doom

Dr. Victor Von Doom has always had issues with his vanity and since his experimentations with gamma radiation have caused the growth of a malignant and inoperable brain tumor, it’s become entangled with his mortality as well. While researching ways to achieve immortality, he stumbles upon Dr. Frankenstein’s journal and the notes from his illustrious experiments. Dr. Doom decides to use his vast power, intellect, and fortune to build a bio-mechanical man, one that he could then take over with a brain transplant of his own.

 Dr. Doom equips his creation with a high tech battle mech suit of armor. His prototype serves as a working blueprint for an army of mechanized warriors to battle the Fantastic Four, Iron Man, and the rest of the world. But the neuro-processing unit soon activates Frankenstein’s artificial intelligence and won’t let himself be used for evil and he’ll demolish all in his way to prevent that from happening, including hacking into the NORAD nuclear missile mainframe. Dr. Doom realizes he may not even have a world to conquer if Frankenstein has his way of destroying a planet that won’t accept him and the clock is ticking to get a new body. Frankenstein’s A.I. soon grows exponentially to rival the intelligence of Dr. Doom and now it’s full out war between a man with a God complex and his creation.

The Creature from the Black Lagoon VS Namor

The Creature from the Black Lagoon has long been forgotten. The truth behind the legend is this figure was a mutant member of the tribes of Atlantis. He had wanted to unite the tribes to aggressively pursue a program to explore and colonize land, even if that meant slaughtering the humans that stood in their way.

Namor has been protecting the corners of the ocean from industrialization and pollution and has long forgotten the banishment issued by his father. The Creature however has designs for revenge. Over the years his gills have been able to process both sea and fresh water, but also pure on land oxygen. He’s also procreated with a captive female human producing fish-egg like pods that have begun growing at a staggering rate, producing an army of gill men ready to claim both earth and ocean. Expect epic underwater battles with giant squids, gill men, atomic submarines, and bikini beauties. When the American populace is thrown into their war, the oceans become a target for their hostilities as Namor must fight on land to save them all.

Be sure to tune in for Part 3 of this ongoing series, where the bodies start stacking up like Lincoln Logs.


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Born in the steel scrap-yards of Lorain, Ohio, Zach Shildwachter is a VHS Vagabond wandering the Cleveland landscape in search of the perfect Horror movie and Banana flavored snacks in preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse. Until the Dead walk, our Hero remains an Aspiring Filmmaker, Compulsive Writer, Self-taught Artist, and amateur Super-Hero.

2 Responses to “VERSUS – Part 2 of the Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER”

  1. I want to see Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster vs. Dr. Doom.

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