VERSUS – Part 1 of The Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER

VERSUS – Part 1 of The Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER

Ask around the horror community campfire and you’ll hear a whole lot of bellyaching on the current state of Hollywood churning out lackluster remakes of the cult classics many hold near and dear to their blackened hearts. With a 100 day Writer’s Strike that all but shut down the entertainment industry a while back, you’d almost believe that a flood of originality to quench our movie watching thirst would have washed across the horror genre like the Hoover Dam was just demolished, yet we’ve only been treated to water balloon like spashes from the foreign market and indie circle. This acid reflux like sentiment has been felt by many a comic book fan-boy for a long time, especially as this summer heralds in another slew of comics turned movies. Seems like there’s far too many sad and soggy pajamas at this slumber party, so I’m here as a self appointed ambassador between these two tribes to kick out the jams like Bruce Lee in a Smucker’s factory.

I was raised that if you’re gonna offer a criticism, always rebuttal with a resolution. To unite my cinema nerd brothers and sisters from the shadows and the news stands, I present to you my ideas for revitalizing the horror and comic book genres of film. How am I going to unite two uniquely different groups who are just as equally dweeb-tastic? By picking a fight!

The idea of pitting two cultural icons against one another is nothing new. Abbott & Costello met the Wolfman, Freddy tangoed with Jason, but I say you gotta go big, or go home. Also my mantras seem to be made from bumper stickers and Little League Coach speeches. Anyway, for all you talented fan-boys and girls, take these ideas and run with them. Demand more from Hollywood and use your dollars as your voice. They will always sell you what is easy, not what will challenge you.

Here is the first in my series of epic battles and story lines that would rock the box office. The idea is to combine two unlikely characters from horror and comics beloved by millions and generate a new and believable time & place for their encounters and subsequent fisticuffs to occur. Hopefully this takes the ideas of the previous franchises in fresh, new, and exciting directions while generating new interest in some forgotten masters. Expect all your favorites plus a few more that will shock your delicate sensibilities.

 

Michael Myers VS Spider-Man

Everyone’s favorite neighborhood webslinger discovers a dark secret from his beloved Aunt May as she lays in hospice care dying. She reveals her name is really Laurie Strode, legally changed after experiencing the horror of Haddonfield and moving to New York City to escape the pain of her past. There she met her husband Ben and started over with new identity and a new life thanks to Dr. Loomis, but now she must warn Peter of her past, and of Michael Myers.

With her imminent death looming, Michael’s natural instincts to kill kick in to finish off the bloodline before time can. Rummaging through the old estate records of the deceased Dr. Loomis, Michael finds the information that points him and his butcher knife to the Big Apple, Aunt May, and Peter Parker. Can Spider-Man outwit the unstoppable yet aged Michael Myers? Strength and agility may not be enough to defeat this unstoppable silent killer when the murder of Mary Jane at Michael’s hands plays out in the papers as Spidey’s fault thanks to J. J. Jameson. A fever pitch is reached when Peter must decide to kill in order to save the life that hangs in the balance.

Jason Voorhees VS The Hulk

While being pursued by the government and federal authorities, Bruce Banner is living off of the grid of modern society. He’s taken to a survivalist lifestyle to stay out of the clutches of those that want to harness the power of his dark alter ego. Unbeknownst to Dr. Banner, he stumbles upon the remnants of the abandoned Camp Crystal Lake. Rummaging for supplies and shelter Bruce discovers the shrine to the late Mama Voorhees and accidentally destroys it. This insult does not sit well at all for Jason who discovers this intruder in his lair.

At first Bruce tries to reason with the bulking slasher, but to no avail. The chase throughout the camp causes Bruce to become injured and enraged. What ensues is the most spectacular battle between two powerhouse juggernauts ever burned onto celluloid. How can the Hulk smash something that just won’t die? How can Jason dispatch a victim that is his superior in strength? Well, what if Hulk’s blood got mixed in with Jason’s? This “Quake at the Lake” soon spills into the nearby town, causing innocent civilians to become casualties. With authorities responding and the military called to the bloodshed, how can they contain these two unstoppable forces? Which side would you root for?

Freddy Krueger VS Wolverine

With Logan on his own searching for the answers to his past and the origins of the Weapon X program, he decides to experiment with the untapped recesses of his subconscious by utilizing dream therapy. Meanwhile, Freddy Krueger has been having a field day with the onset of puberty triggering the development of certain superpowers within mutant teenagers that have been sweeping the country. Their souls are far superior to anything ever tasted on Elm Street. Freddy learns of Professor Xavier’s school, but is hesitant to go against the world’s most powerful telepath.

Krueger soon realizes he needs to occupy a physical body and stumbles upon the fractured psyche of Wolverine. Krueger finds out all types of dark secrets from Weapon X’s past that every fan will want to witness. How can the lone rival of Sabertooth fight a foe that haunts his dreams and wants control of his body? The claws come out when Logan must protect the school, the children and Xavier from Krueger’s plan of domination that uses the mutant children as an army against the adults to gain control of Charles’s power over the minds of the world. This is where your nightmare becomes reality.

 

Candyman VS Batman 

A string of violent and gruesome deaths have been plaguing the ghettos of Gotham. The police are baffled as the gutted corpses offer no clues to motive or who the killer may be. Commissioner Gordon calls on the Dark Knight to put an end to the body count. Leaving his stately manor and lair behind, Batman ventures into the dilapidated housing projects that don’t usually fall under his watchful eye.

The criminal underworld offers no answers for our hero, only the whispered tales of the supernatural, of Candyman, an urban legend long forgotten. Upon further investigation Batman discovers the true identity of Candyman and how he was commissioned by Bruce Wayne’s great great great great grandparents to paint the portrait that would ultimately seal his fate. World’s collide when Bruce Wayne must confront the memories of his family, his sanity, and his true identity while somehow stopping the hook handed killer bent on revenge that Bruce Wayne mistakenly summons in a moment of catharsis. Reaffirmations will be paid in blood for the crimes of our fathers.

Well thanks kiddies for tuning in and stay peeled for Round 2. And you’re welcome Hollywood, you can just slip my check under the door. I’ll be in my trailer.


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Born in the steel scrap-yards of Lorain, Ohio, Zach Shildwachter is a VHS Vagabond wandering the Cleveland landscape in search of the perfect Horror movie and Banana flavored snacks in preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse. Until the Dead walk, our Hero remains an Aspiring Filmmaker, Compulsive Writer, Self-taught Artist, and amateur Super-Hero.

6 Responses to “VERSUS – Part 1 of The Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER”

  1. This is absolutely, without a doubt one of the most witty pieces I have ever read…EVER. I laughed the whole time! The Freddy story is the best….why wasn’t that what the remake was about?!

  2. very nice… more of these please.

  3. Someone please make this game for my iPod Touch so I can never get anything done ever again.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Trampezoid. Trampezoid said: RT @bloodsprayer VERSUS – Part 1 of The Most Epic.. http://bit.ly/9j3pTe #Candyman #comic #books #freddy #krueger #Horror […]

  2. […] this one page villain mash-up. This could have very well have come from the pages of Zach’s VERSUS – The Most Epic Nerd Porn EVER series. Here is Dexter vs. Jason vs. […]

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