VERSUS – Charlie Sheen Edition

VERSUS – Charlie Sheen Edition

Artwork by Alex Pardee

Charlie Sheen has had quite a long career in film, book-ended by action and comedy. Recently there has been a media frenzy following several of his interviews discussing his personal life, his family life, his drug use and plenty of other issues that seem far from being resolved any time soon. With the likelihood of a return to Two and a Half Men withering on the vine, and the doubtful possibility that this has all been one epic Andy Kaufman style prank on America, the next logical step would be for Charlie to return to movies. While many are eager to see “Wild Thing” Rick Vaughn take the long stroll back to the pitcher’s mound, there’s a more coherent role that Sheen has never played.

What follows are the pearls of poetry known as Charlie Sheen quotes, gilded in formulaic fashion for Hollywood to use in crafting pseudo sequels and new stories specifically for the world of Horror and Genre cinema. This is VERSUS: Charlie Sheen Edition. Who else but this F-18 with the grandiose persona could deploy his ordnances to the world of B-movies? By most accounts this is a narrative that rings true to the interpretation of recent events unfolding in Sheen’s life, as those are often the stories we’re most interested in; a bit of truth tempered in with the bullshit to forge the daily distractions of scandal and entertainment cooled in satire and parody. Disjointed and maladjusted are the gears we shift to when defeat is not an option. That’s just how we roll.

Charlie Sheen VS Prom Night
“I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed in front of the Prom Queen.”


Charlie steps into the role of Principal Willard, a take-no-prisoners educator that has been recently reassigned to the South Central school district, a week before Senior Prom. It seems Willard’s disciplinary tactics were called into question by the school board when Willard failed to properly intervene in an altercation that left a student dead at the hands of another. Amid the rough and tough world of today’s adolescents Willard seeks to invoke a positive change within his new environment and make a fresh start. Soon students systematically murdered, their bodies gutted and dismembered. The police question the teachers, informing them that the student convicted in the death at Willard’s old school has recently escaped custody during prisoner transport and they believe this former pupil is stalking Willard. Now the faculty is being targeted and those closest to this new administrator. Willard is beginning to lose his grasp of authority over the school and his sanity. The police begin to piece together a series of clues that implicate Willard as the perpetrator. Now Willard must uncover who is truly responsible for these killings to prove his innocence as the big dance looms forward. Matters are complicated further when Willard’s former student is apprehended and yet the bodies continue to pile up. Who could be holding such a personal vendetta against Willard and why?

Charlie Sheen VS Scanners
“I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”


Perhaps Charlie Sheen is special, unique and separate from the rest of us. His brain is not like ours as it fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial plane. But thanks in part to a government experiment, it is revealed there are others like him. It seems that Sheen is a recently activated Scanner with a power that is growing exponentially. Through a convoluted combination of illicit narcotics it was easy for someone in his camp to supplement his drug intake with Ephemerol, the chemical used to keep a Scanner’s abilities at bay. Ephemerol is no longer available to the public because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body, but that doesn’t mean that the government isn’t still using it in further development of bio-warfare. Now with several passed drug tests, this chemical is out of his system and Sheen is becoming more and more aware of his powers. Soon he seeks revenge on those that sought to destroy his career while bedding a few new hotties thanks to Jedi mind tricks. The remnants of ConSec have been enveloped into Homeland Security and they have sent out their operatives to capture Sheen as well as his children for government experimentation. It seems that Sheen may hold the key to the genetic make-up of how Scanners are born when coupled with Ephemerol, and they need him and his family as new guinea pigs. On the run, Sheen’s powers are soon to reach a limit because at the age of 45 he’s not quite able to combat the squad of recruited Scanners sent by ConSec to capture him. It’s up to Sheen and his children to band together to outrun, outwit, and outlast ConSec.  

Charlie Sheen VS Doctor Mordrid
“I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips.”


Jeffrey Combs is called back into action when his brother, played by Sheen, has escaped from an inter-dimensional vortex that’s been holding him prisoner for the past 1,000 years. Punished for misusing his talents, Mordrid’s brother, has dedicated himself to the black arts. Long ago Sheen fashioned himself a God that the people of Earth should fear. Hell bent on revenge, we learn that it was Mordrid that turned his brother into the Council of Warlocks that oversee the universe. Now Mordrid must harness all his powers imbued from their shared Adonis DNA when it is revealed that Sheen doesn’t want to enslave Earth again, but to completely wipe it off the face of the cosmos. It’s a mystical version of Cain against Abel as the sparks fly in this sci-fi fantasy as the fate of mankind hangs in the balance.

Charlie Sheen VS Parents
“You have to hate everyone who is not in your family because they are there to destroy your family.”


Seems everyone’s worried about Charlie’s kids, and for good reason. The spotlight has a reach far and wide thanks to the Internet and beyond, but a closer look into this unconventional nuclear family reveals a far darker secret. Imagine when the young ones find out the true source of all the winning and success they enjoy; human flesh. Seems the stable of hungry mouths has grown with the addition of the Goddesses and so has the hunger. Soon a young Detective discovers a connection to a slew of missing reporters and paparazzi to Sober Valley Lodge, but the trouble is there are never any bodies to be found. Maybe that’s what is locked away in the basement? It’s the little ones that soon connect the dots in a trail of not tiger blood, but human blood. Now the Detective must find a way to reach through the insulating legal red tape Sheen has wrapped himself to the children. But something is rotten in the state of Beverly Hills when one of the siblings nibbles their first taste of flesh. Who wants leftovers?

Charlie Sheen VS Night of the Creeps
“As I said, ‘The first one’s free, the next one goes in your mouth’. “


Imagine if you will the proper sequel to Fred Dekker’s space alien zombie tale as the starship drifts from the college campus and the infectious worms slither their way to Beverly Hills. The palm trees and gated communities can’t protect the perfect lives of all that dwell within. Soon it starts with the paparazzi and then the nannies, greens keepers, and housekeeping staff as they are attacked and overtaken, infiltrating the lifestyles of the rich and famous. Sheen thinks that everyone around him is going crazy as his high profile neighbors succumb one by one and turned into shambling slack jaws. Expect plenty of celebrity cameos turned mutilated corpses as the blood begins to flow when a black tie award show is turned upside down by a deliberate attack from these space slugs. These alien invaders have grown stronger, quicker, more aggressive and coordinated. Sheen must take it upon himself to defend his hacienda, the Goddesses and his family. But the tables are turned when Charlie finds his brother Emilio and his father Martin have fallen victim to these intergalactic body snatchers. See just how far Sheen will go to protect what he holds most dear and find out the true origins behind this close encounter of the killing kind.

And to get real nerdy…

Charlie Sheen VS Assassin’s Creed
“We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks.”

Ever gamer has a love/hate relationship when Hollywood turns their Xbox into the next summer’s tent pole at the Cineplex. What better way to deliver a win to the masses then Sheen in the signature role? Sheen’s no stranger to action and could easily step into the role of a historical mercenary cloaked in shadowy ties to church and state. A sweeping view of the cradle of history is delivered in a scope that fans would embrace with Mountain Dew stained arms. Sheen’s intense style would deliver a flurry of action for a merchant mercenary that is dependent on calculated stunts, daring cinematography, and plenty of spectacular blood play as the secrets of the Templars, the Crusaders, and all are revealed.

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Born in the steel scrap-yards of Lorain, Ohio, Zach Shildwachter is a VHS Vagabond wandering the Cleveland landscape in search of the perfect Horror movie and Banana flavored snacks in preparation for the Zombie Apocalypse. Until the Dead walk, our Hero remains an Aspiring Filmmaker, Compulsive Writer, Self-taught Artist, and amateur Super-Hero.

One Response to “VERSUS – Charlie Sheen Edition”

  1. Brilliant Zach! My favorite is the Night of the Creeps sequel. I’d pay good money to see that.

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