A Texas Sized Horror Comedy Romp: Blood on The Highway

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a group of friends (in this case a trio) set out on a road trip with the final destination being an outdoor concert festival. Their trip derails after running into minions of the undead while stuck in a small Texas town. The difference between this movie and all those ‘others’? This one is actually funny.

We are quickly introduced to our main cast of characters: a bitchy and gold digging girlfriend, her pansy ass boy toybot, and their foul mouthed take no shit friend aptly named Bone. Wimpy soon gets a little car sick and projectile vomits everywhere. After cleaning up, they head back out on the road and realize that they’re running out of gas. Enter the requisite stop to ask for directions to a nearby gas station and a subsequent warning from an old man of ‘You’s betters not goes there!’

Getting to the gas station, they run into the undead attendent. Tough guy Bone takes him out but not before he takes a chunk out of wimpy’s neck. He then turns his efforts to a middle eastern looking man who’s also of the vampiric persuasion. Their exchange as follows:

Bone: ‘Welcome to America.’

Middle Eastern Looking Dude: ‘But I was born here!’

Killing punctuated by Bone sticking a pint sized American flag into his heart.

The trio, with one surely soon to be turning boyfriend, head back out onto the road but soon run into a group of intellectually challenged vampires (read: white trash) who have no idea what the hell they’re doing. Instead of flying around or using other powers indicative of a vampire, they stand in the middle of the road acting ‘menacing’ thinking it will stop the crew. It doesn’t work and the gang ends up crashing through the tiny blockade, taking out their car in the process.

The kids exit stage left and take refuge in a home with other inhabitants holed up: a war vet who thinks its all a government conspiracy, his trashy wife, and the vet’s son who’s banging his step mom. After a spirited talk conducted by the town’s mayor (a great cameo from Tom Towles), an undead mob advance upon the house which precipitates the following proclamation from Bone:

‘Look, we are fucked! We’re fucked like an autistic 8 year old at a NAMBLA meeting.’ –If you don’t know what NAMBLA is, Google-ize it.

An epic standoff ensues which finds our remaining heroes squaring off with the main source behind the undead threat: the VP of a chain of supermarkets appropriately called Consumart. Nifty idea of a Wallmart-ish type of store sucking the life out of a small town: both figuratively and literally.

Fueled by some of the funniest (most offensive?) one liners ever committed to film, Blood on The Highway is pure comedic gold and gorrifically over the top. I haven’t seen a horror comedy this good in years. Shaun of the Dead probably being the last really good one. Check it out, you won’t be disappointed.