Honey-covered tits are just one of the BARE necessities that ensure Pervert! lives up to its name.
Let us all take a moment of silence for Russ Meyer by bowing our heads, placing our faces into the nearest set of fleshbags and motorboating them until our lips are numb. I mean, Russ, we knew tits existed but no one put on quite a show like you did.
And get this: Not only do tits exist, sometimes…they’re naked.
Seeing a set of sweater cannons has been a manhood milestone since cavemen could stand upright. And what cements manhood like topless dancing broads giving handjobs to ears of corn? How ’bout doing donuts in the desert while getting fucked silly? Or humping through a hammock? I’m pretty sure if this movie happened to you, by the end of it, you’d be three men.
Director Jonathan Yudis makes a much acknowledged nod (more like headbang) to Mr. Meyer in the 2005 horror comedy Pervert! bringing giggles and gozongas together in a story about a college boy, James, on that precious journey to becoming a man. Right from the credits, filled with silly sideswipes and mammary montages, I knew I was in for a teat…uh, I mean treat. Five minutes into the flick and we’ve already been introduced to three succulent sets of naked knockers and a fanatically religious homeless man who warns us that filthy heathens will pay the price for their sinful acts and yadda yadda yadda…boobs.
Our soon-to-be-man James is heading to his father’s dust farm for the summer to learn a thing or two about manual labor. The two had, until recently, been estranged due to his mother’s mysterious death and his vile vices. You see, James is a sex fiend who can’t get laid. He’s spent too much money on sex toys and too much time earning nicknames for his feverish masturbation. And you know what doesn’t help? Arriving to find his 81 year old father Hezekiah is shacking up with Cheryl played by the then-still-curvy bottle of sex Mary Carey. Welcomed Ren and Stimpy style sounds make sure to suck any poignancy we might encounter at such a reunion. Besides nutty noises, this flick showcases another guilty pleasure of mine: the mid-sentence cut. What do I mean? Ever see a little movie called Night of the Creeps? At the end of the film, a gun-toting Chris shows up at the sorority house and equips Cynthia with a flame thrower. After massacring many of the creep-filled zombie jocks, Cynthia realizes why the space slugs might be headed for the basement and as it hits her she says “Oh my-” cut to Chris: “Get out of the house. Get out of the house. Get out of the house!”
It’s the little things.
So, James starts on the list of chores his father doled out to him only to be interrupted by the brainless and bouncy Cheryl. It’s not long (not even 48 hours) until he develops feelings for her and starts fucking her behind dad’s back, sometimes literally. She gleefully reciprocates, probably excited to have sex with someone her own age who doesn’t quiz her during the act. Yes, bad Alzheimer’s joke happens.
Alzheimer’s aside, Hezekiah needs only a few things in life: the company of a sympathetic woman, sex and the resources to create his artistic meat sculptures. Yes, he is caught hacking up unidentified slabs o’ flesh to mold into the female form. James finds this strange and suspicious but not so much that he would stop humping Cheryl any chance he gets. That is until, one day Hezekiah catches the two mid-coitus and damns them to hell for their deeds. While James gets away with a damn-ing and a mighty finger wag, Cheryl is overheard screaming for her life that night in his father’s bedroom. The next morning we find that Cheryl has “packed her bags and left in the middle of the night.” James is momentarily skeptical and saddened but dutifully goes back to work making holes for a fence while his dad heads into town.
Hezekiah comes back from town with a new hussy, Alisha played by Sally Jean. Completely forgetting Cheryl, James quickly falls for Alisha and agrees to fuck her brains out after he checks out his father’s workshop. Before he can get answers, we find Cheryl and Alisha bloodied and dead.
I’ll bet you think you know where this is going. I can guarantee you don’t.
While accusing each other of the murders, James and Hezekiah bury the bodies together and agree on the rule: no more bitches. After discovering a new meat sculpture, James decides to bring in some authorities on the elderly and dials the local old folks home. He demands a male medic right away and sure enough, a busty costume-clad nurse pulls up at the farm. Nurse Patty, played by Juliette Clarke, tells James in secret that she plans on interrogating Hezekiah to solve the murder cases. She, inevitably, falls for James’ boyish charms and the two are canoodling when she discovers a HUGE surprise. The real killer!
Together Patty, James and Hezekiah fight for their lives against an insane murderer the likes of which you’ve never seen! Complete with blood, gore, ridiculous kills and of course tits, more victims fall by the wayside to this mysterious and hilarious killer. Pervert! delivers chuckles and cleavage in a colorful, boner-inducing package filled to the brim with cheese and buxom babes. This movie is a lot like a story line porn…a lot of juicy jubblies and not a lot of substance. But, hey, once in a while you’ve got to lean back and prove that a boner in the hand is worth two in the bush. Wait…what?
Mary Carey and director Jonathan Yudis with “Ophelia”, one of Hezekiah’s masterful carne creations: