Lake Noir is a new slasher movie from Brain Damage Films that will be coming out on DVD next week (February 19th to be precise). I have not hidden my love for the slasher genre in the past, so I’m excited to see what writer Abel Martinez Jr. and director Jeffrey Schneider can come up with!
The movie opens with a large Latino man being beaten by two jocks with a baseball bat, while a third is raping a young woman against a truck. We then quickly cut to what will be known as present time, and a group of “high school” kids are about to go on a camping excursion to Lake Harris. The group drives for what seems like forever before they finally come to a gas station just into town to fill up on gasoline and alcohol (of course). While at the service station, an old man who hangs out in front of the station all day warns our young campers to turn around. Nothing good comes from a visit to Lake Harris. He then tells the story of the large Latino man who fell in love with the young woman, and her jealous ex-boyfriend and his friends who assaulted them out at the lake. The man was knocked into the water (where he could not swim) and was never seen again. Since then, people believe that he roams the woods near the lake seeking revenge on any young couples who step foot in his lake. Of course they ignore him and go back to the camp, or else we’d have no movie!
What can I say, I really really really wanted to love Lake Noir. I know that is was one giant cliche from start to finish, but that was okay with me. I could run right down the Friday the 13th checklist on this one: 1. stupid teenagers 2. sex and nudity 3. drinking 4. warning from old timer not to go to the lake 5. skinny dipping 6. infidelity 7. urban legend killer. Everything was there for this to be a great throwback to some of my favorite movies! Unfortunately, it didn’t all click.
For starters, all of the characters are assholes which isn’t a huge deal in a slasher movie, but I really just sat around and waited for them to die. Even the virginal “last girl” was only there to be a cock block to her boyfriend, and to set up the obvious twist ending. Add in the fact that you get almost 70 minutes with these douche bags before there is any on screen carnage and it’s a bit of a drag getting to the payoff. The final 20 minutes is an improvement, but you really gotta love your nudity and slasher cliches to get there. As a side note, the killer was also a bit underwhelming as well. As a large man myself, I don’t believe I’m all that intimidating (zombie makeup or not).
Lake Noir is a token slasher movie for die hard slasher fans. The movie isn’t horrible, it’s just dull and doesn’t have likable characters nor enough slashing throughout it’s 90 minute time frame for me. It is full of lots of skin and throwbacks to the glorious 80’s so it will definitely have it’s audience.