I’m Gonna Blow My Brains Out: A Review of ‘Shark Night 3D’

I’m Gonna Blow My Brains Out: A Review of ‘Shark Night 3D’

Color me curious when I first saw the Shark Night 3D trailer some months ago, I was excited to see the shark version of Piranha 3D in theaters with its loads of gore and nudity. Time passed, news bubbled that Shark Night 3D was going to be a PG-13 film. Fine. I could still see myself having fun with this now less-than-gory creature feature. Unfortunately, before even getting to the theater, I already heard some mumbling about how bad this film was. I wasn’t shocked but I was hoping that this film would be a dumb-fun, I didn’t even get that in my viewing. What I got out of Shark Night 3D was seeing the worst film of the year thus far and this movie further proves that you can get anything made if your name is David R. Ellis.

I’m not going to bother with a full synopsis and I am bound to ruin parts of the movie for you, but if you’re that concerned about the story, go see it now and get back to me. There are these group of friends who are going to a lake house to party for the weekend. The area lacks proper cell phone coverage and no one bothered to get a land line hooked up in the house, great. The black guy is attacked first by a shark and then one by one, the kids are eaten. We find out at the end that these offensively racist hillbillies were training the sharks to kill people, so they could record it and put it on the internet. That’s it. That’s the whole story, there’s also some love element in there but do you really care?

So what makes this movie unbearable? Take Piranha 3D, get rid of the gore, the nudity, a decent story, the humor, and the fun,what you have left is an abomination entitled, Shark Night 3D. I don’t care about the PG-13 rating, Insidious proved that horror films can still be relevant even if there’s not an R rating. But SN completely falters on the lack of anything weighing in substance or entertainment. The stereotypical college students are not stereotypical for comedic value (like Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil) but they are made up that way out of laziness. The antagonistic hillbillies are racist and done so out of poor taste. Their comments on the Hispanic character don’t add anything to the plot, it’s done, once again, out of laziness. The first 40 minutes is littered with musical montages which showcase the characters driving or walking around. It seemed to have been filmed to fill up time, because it’s pointless and repetitive. Even Joel David Moore’s character leaves nothing but a bad taste in your mouth. Back to the hillbillies, there is a scene which involves them throwing a Golden Lab into the water that’s full of sharks. Bad taste, just done out of bad taste. Though the dog survives, the scene was enough to enrage me at the amount of cheap shots the writers were creating.

The kills you ask? The sharks themselves? Well, they won’t change your mind either. The kills consist mostly of the characters falling under the water and red dye coming up. Some of the characters get killed off screen and if they died or not is entirely up to how you want to view it (THERE’S NO EVIDENCE). The few deaths that actually involve the sharks come right out of a SyFy film, but they lack the humor that SyFy is able to get across (most times). The sharks are all done in cheap CGI that does make this film worthy of a cable time slot. The sharks are embarrassing, I just don’t know how this movie was allowed to be put out.

I wanted to leave the theater but stuck it out just so I could have something to write about. I thought Transformers: Dark of the Moon was atrocious but Shark Night 3D takes the cake. There were actual parts of dialogue that had me laughing out loud, there were serious moments that had me laughing as well but not in a good-bad way. I was laughing out of pure astonishment that this was a wide release film, that I paid $15 dollars to see this, and that this movie was going to make millions. I can always see people liking movies that I personally don’t like, Transformers 3 for instance, or even something like Strangers Online, but there is nothing of value hiding in this film. Do yourself a favor, don’t see this film. AT ALL! Do you hear me? I have never been this mad at a movie or asked anyone to never see a certain film but I beg you to just forget about this one.

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Author's Quick Review
Shark Night 3D is an absolute displeasure to watch. There are no redeeming qualities inherent in the latest David R. Ellis horror film.

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My name is Jesse Lee Alan Bartel and I love being a critic on things you don't care about. I love films, horror, writing, and violent video games. Hope to hear from you and happy stabbings. I am also a regular contributor to The Liberal Dead.

2 Responses to “I’m Gonna Blow My Brains Out: A Review of ‘Shark Night 3D’”

  1. Is there such a thing as a NON-offensive racist?

    • What I mean, is that they’re not contextually racist, where their hateful nature adds to the story. It seems that their racism was written in to just somehow define these guys as more “hillbilly-ish”. Just lazy character creation. Hope that clears up my statement.

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