Excuse Me Waiter, There Seems To Be Some Horror In My ‘X-Files’

Excuse Me Waiter, There Seems To Be Some Horror In My ‘X-Files’

In Brittney-Jade’s first post on The Blood Sprayer, she touched on the sad-but-true topic that horror and TV do not mix. In my years of TV watching, I have begun to realize that when horror does work on network TV, it is not on “horror” shows. Case in point- ‘The X-Files.’ Billed as a sci-fi series that revolved around alien abductions and government conspiracies, this one show had more horror “heart” than any ‘Happy Town’ or ‘Harper’s Island.’ For every three episodes about little grey men, there was always one episode about demons or ghosts or satanic rituals. So for your reading pleasure- a special Blood Sprayer episode guide featuring one standout episode per season which highlights the ‘X-Files’ love for horror…and our love for the ‘X-Files.’

Season 1: The Jersey Devil

Current day: Partially eaten homeless man discovered in the New Jersey Woods (when isn’t a partially eaten homeless man found somewhere in Jersey?) 1947: Dead motorist found with his arm chewed off. Police shoot and kill half man, half beast creature they track back to a cave. Mulder’s thought? The cases must be related and it could be the work of the mythical Jersey Devil. This episode started the tradition of basing episodes on legendary creatures…and also featured the most awesome eyewitness sketch EVER.

Season 2: The Host

Killer mutant fluke worm in the New Jersey sewers- ’nuff said.

Season 3: Syzygy
Mulder and Scully are called in to investigate a number of deaths at the town high school in Comity where they arrive just in time to witness the coffin of the most recent dead boy burst into flames at the funeral. Rumors start to fly about the involvement of a satanic cult as two cheerleaders add fuel to the fire by coming forward with stories of satanic rituals and sacrifices. The girls later turn on each other and all hell literally breaks loose. Before long, the whole town goes mad and Mulder decides to make mixed drinks with OJ concentrate. Yummy.

Season 4: Home

One of the most fucked up episodes ever (and the only X-Files to receive a TV-MA rating.) Mulder and Scully get called to the small town of Home, Pennsylvania after a body of a malformed newborn baby is found in a shallow grave. Their investigation leads them to the Peacock clan, a local family of three inbred brothers straight from the set of ‘The Hills Have Eyes.’ Mulder and Scully soon find out that the mother of the dead baby isn’t a woman the brothers are holding captive but rather Mrs. Peacock, the multiple amputee mother of the sons (and one sexy MILF.)

Season 5: Chinga

Chris Carter shares the writing credits on this episode with a relatively unknown author by the name of Stephen King. While Scully is vacationing in upstate Maine, she witnesses a freak incident at a grocery store involving customers clawing their eyes out and resulting in one employee being killed by a knife through his eye. After reviewing the market’s security tapes, a woman and her young daughter are the only customers not affected. Witchcraft and fucking creepy possessed dolls round out this stellar episode.

Season 6: Terms of Endearment

When a married woman’s ultrasound reveals abnormalities in her unborn child, she dreams that night of a demon stealing her baby, only to awake and find her baby is gone. Mulder assumes it is just a classic case of demon baby harvesting (a practice I am sure everyone knows was abolished by Lincoln shortly after “The Emancipation Proclamation” was issued.) Mulder’s prime suspect is the woman’s husband (Bruce effn’ Campbell for the record) whom he discovers is leading a double life and is married to another woman who is pregnant as well. Turns out he is really a demon that only wants to have a family and live a normal life but keeps churning out demon children instead (join the club, buddy.)

Season 7: Hungry

In this very special episode, ‘The X-Files’ tackles the seriousness of eating disorders…the only problem is this Lucky Boy Burger employee’s eating disorder centers around his hunger for…human BRAINS!!!

Season 8: Patience

The first episode on the list minus Mulder :(…Scully and Doggett travel to Burley, Idaho to investigate the deaths of a husband and wife whose bodies were found with human bite marks. The local sheriff believes the couple was attacked and killed by a wild animal but Scully believes a human was the cause. When the lab reports reveal that the saliva found on the couple contains an Enzyme found only in bats, Scully leaps to the conclusion that they are on the trail of a human bat. Hey, look on the bright side… it’s always better to be killed by a human bat than a teenage werewolf.

Season 9: Hellbound

Visions of skined bodies. Strings of murders leaving a trail of skinned bodies. More skinned bodies. Did I mention skinned bodies?

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5 Responses to “Excuse Me Waiter, There Seems To Be Some Horror In My ‘X-Files’”

  1. This is awesome…ironically, you covered the only episodes of that show that I remember. You’re right, though…horror TV didn’t come from “horror” shows in a lot of cases. Case in point: Twin Peaks. If the confusion and absurdity of that show didn’t scare you, then you’re already fucking dead.

  2. I actually live about twenty minutes away from the actual “Home, PA” and I can tell you straight away I’ve never seen anyone like the Peacock family. Seriously.
    But that WAS one of my favorite X-Files episodes!

  3. Syzygy and Home are two of my all time favorite X-Files episodes. I still have nightmares about Home and Syzygy was a good mix of horror and humor. But if you want the ultimate mix of creepy and funny it would have to be the Bad Blood episode. Vampires, Laughs and Luke Wilson with and without bucked teeth!!!

  4. I have been a die hard x-files fan since i was 9 years old and saw the finale of season one on tv. this list makes me very happy πŸ™‚ great job!

  5. Tooms was better than “The Host” ep

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